So, I'm a lazy blogger....wanna fight about it? :)

I realized tonight that I haven't written an entry in months, and I felt a twinge of embarrassment.  I don't even know if anyone reads this blog, but it is theraputic for me and helps me process my thoughts.   A few minutes of solitude that isn't abruptly interrupted by my son's chubby little hands, trying to squish my cheeks together (his new favorite thing to do).  :)

So, it took me a second to decide what to write about.  My last blog entry was in September.  We're just a few days shy of January now, and so much has happened!   Our little man is jabbering like crazy.  My husband is working closer to home (hallelujah!).  Thanksgiving, Christmas.....so much, so busy.  Then I tried to think about something that has really weighed on me lately, and my blog-lightbulb went off.

Friendships.

They're so complex.  They're so simple, but still so very complicated.  In the past few years, alot of my friendships have changed.  Some for the better, some not so much.  I've watched my best friend struggle with the sudden and tragic death of her Dad.  I've rekindled friendships with friends that I've lost touch with.  I've said goodbye to some toxic friendships that were bringing me down.  All in all, my close circle of friends has had a major makeover.  And over time, it's had me thinking about what I really value in a friend:

1.  I do not want 'face friends':  You know.....the people that are friends to your face, but would throw you under the bus, the second you turn your back.  We all have these kinds of friends.  People who love to gossip about you when you're not around.  The 'toxic' ones.  People who want you to think that they've got your best interest at heart, but deep down, they don't.  I've purged alot of these people from my life lately, and I feel alot calmer.  No constant worry that I'm being talked about negatively....I'm too old for that mess anyway.

2.  I want 'crying friends':  The kind of friends that can cry with me in the good AND the bad.  The kind of people that I can turn to in the best moments of my life and I know that they will be truly happy for me....and the kind that I can turn to when things are rough, and I know that they will feel honest compassion and love for me.  I need to know that my friends will be there on whatever road my life takes me on.  Not just there until the path gets rocky.

3.  I need friends who need to laugh:   How amazing is it to laugh hysterically with your best friend?  Having someone to share the silly-side of life with.  Someone who really 'gets' your weird sense of humor.  I need friends to laugh with.  :)

4.  I need friends who have great character:  I want friends that are genuinely good people.  There's a great quote about how, "You are who you surround yourself with".  Well, getting older, I've realized that I don't want to be surrounded by gossip, vanity and negativity.  I need people who have higher standards for themselves.  People who are honest, true and gracious.  THAT'S what I want to be surrounded by!

I am thankful to report that I have wonderful people in my life who fit all 4 criteria.  I'm so very thankful for the wisdom that comes with age, and the ability to see some people for what they truly are.  I've got a small group of people that I know I can rely on.  People that love me for exactly what I am, who do not judge me, and who want nothing but great things for me and my family. 
Thank goodness for valued friendships.  A person could go insane without them.  :)

The 5 Love Languages.

Before Mike and I got married, one of the preachers that was participating in our ceremony, required that we do pre-marital counseling.  Mike and I had been together for 8+ years and lived together for over 6, so the idea seemed a bit ridiculous.  Knowing that Mike isn't one to 'share his feelings', I knew that by making him go, I'd just hear about it on the ride home...about how stupid it is that we have to do this, blahblahblah.  But, nevertheless, we went.  We completed the course, and to this day, I think it was beneficial.  Mike probably didn't get as much out of it as I did, but who knows....maybe he did and is just too embarrassed to admit it.  ;)

Part of the sessions were based off of the book "The 5 Love Languages".  It had some wonderful theories on how to relate to each other better, how to treat each other, etc....but honestly?  Once the courses were over, I just kind of forgot all about it. 

Until recently.

Our marriage hit a rough spot.  With Mike's job taking him out of town so often, and me staying behind to raise our son, things got tense.  Arguments spiked, frustration with each other was at an all time high.  Neither of us was ready to throw in the towel, but things at home were just not pretty.  At all.   So, knowing that this was bad news for our marriage, as well as our son, I decided to re-investigate the 5 Love Languages.

What I (re)learned the second time around:

I bought the book and read it cover-to-cover (twice).  I took the assessment once again and discovered my 2 primary Love Languages.  Mine are 'Words of Affirmation' and 'Physical Touch'.  Meaning:  I need Mike to verbally affirm his love and commitment to me, and I need the physical touch (sexual and non-sexual) of my husband to keep my 'love tank' full instead of empty.   Months went by, and since it's hard to get Mike to do things that he considers 'emotional', I was trying to guess what his love languages are.  I couldn't remember from our premarital counseling, but I figured I knew him well enough to make an educated guess.    WRONG.    I couldn't figure it out.  So, after asking him to take the assessment just one more time.  He finally agreed.  I was shocked to realize that his love languages are the exact same as mine:  'Words of Affirmation' and 'Physical Touch'  (honestly, the Physical Touch one didn't shock me all that much....he is a man after all...haha.).

Then I started re-reading the chapters dedicated to these love languages.  All of a sudden, a light bulb went off.  Two things that our marriage is severely lacking right now are exactly what we both need.  He's gone so often, we aren't able to give each other the physical comfort that we need, and with the stress of family, our son, and his job...we both have found ourselves complaining FAR more than anything else.  It made me realize how much time I waste being pissed off at our circumstances. 

Yes, I have every right to be annoyed with our current situation, but does that give me the right to make him feel guilty about it?  Absolutely not.  I have promised myself that I will make more of an effort to thank him, encourage him, and support him with every decision he makes.  He is, after all, a wonderful husband who loves me exactly how I am.  He works hard to provide for me and our child.  He is faithful and dependable.  All of these qualities are things that some people would KILL for in their spouse, and here I am, not giving him the Words of Affirmation that he needs to keep him feeling satisfied. 

Well, not anymore.  I suggest that if anyone is having a rough patch in their marriage, that you purchase this book.  It will give you more insight on your partner, and how to be a better mate. 

PS:  Love you, Combs.  <3

When does it stop being baby weight...

...and start being laziness?

Well, I've decided that I'm just flat-out lazy.  Logan is 13 months old, and I'm still carrying around an extra 20lbs.  So in an attempt to shed this weight that makes me feel disgusting, I joined Weight Watchers.  I've known several people who've had success with it, so here's hoping!

I've struggled with my weight my entire adult life.  It's just not in my genetic makeup to be thin.  Granted, giving in to indulgences in the last year hasn't helped.  Either way, my weight is a huge burden that lays on my shoulders every single day of my life.  On my wedding day, I weighed 129lbs....the lowest weight of my adult life.  What few people knew, was what it took to get there.  I exercised for 2-3 hours a day and usually ate under 800 calories a day for 6 months, leading up to my wedding.  That is NOT a sustainable diet.  I was always hungry and tired.  I wouldn't be able to keep that up, even if I tried.  As soon as my honeymoon was over, I'd gained 7lbs.  Then a month after our wedding, I got pregnant.  And now, here I am.  :/

I get the judgmental looks from friends and family.  Word gets around, and people have told me that 'friends' talk about my weight behind my back.  I've been made fun of for my weight, been called 'fat' to my face.  I've been judged for my weight, you name it.  I just wish people understood that, while some people are naturally thin, others are not.  I have to fight every second of my day to lose weight, or to maintain any sort of weight loss.  It's frustrating, and being called out for it numerous times has eroded my self-esteem.  I wish people understood that their words are damaging.....

Ok, enough of the pity party.  I'm making steps to becoming a healthier Beth.  I'm hopeful that I'll find the healthiest weight possible for my body and I'm giving it all I've got.  My attempts are not for vanity.  They aren't to impress anyone, or even to get compiments.   It's to become a healthier version of me....so I can live a longer life with the men that I love so dearly.

Top 5 reasons why I love my Hubby:

5.  He makes me laugh uncontrollably, even on the kinds of days where laughing seems impossible.



4.  He is loyal and faithful to our marriage.  Even in the sex-driven, temptation filled society that we live in, I have no doubt that he wears his wedding ring proudly.

3.  He is the handyman to top all handymen.   There is NOTHING my Mikey cannot fix.  This is a fact. 

2.  He is the hardest working man I've ever known.  He puts in countless work hours, just to provide for us and our son. 

1.  He is an incredible Daddy.  Watching him play, laugh, cuddle, etc...with Logan makes me weak in the knees.  He will teach Logan so much in the years to come.  There is no one better to teach Logan how to be a great man, more than Mike.

Our marriage isn't perfect.  We argue and get annoyed with each other.  While he IS amazing, he has faults.  I hate the way he slurps his soup.  He hogs the bed AND the covers.  He is a typical man and leaves the seat up.  Naturally, all of these things get under my skin.  But, there is no one I'd rather share my life. 

I am so lucky to have him, and I'm proud to be his wife. 

Will I do it all again?

My son was born on August 7th, 2010.  As cliche as it sounds, it was by far the most amazing day of my life.  I was head over heels in love with this tiny little baby the very second I laid eyes on him.  When you're pregnant for the very first time, you can only imagine what it will feel like to become a Mom.  Then, when it happens, it's so much more than you ever dreamed it could be. 

As much as I love Logan, the road to getting him here was the worst 40 weeks of my life.  I had a nightmare pregnancy.

I spent almost every single day of my pregnancy throwing up.  Yes, morning sickness is a typical pregnancy symptom....but not like this.  The notion that morning sickness would end (or at least subside somewhat) after the first trimester was a joke.  On average, I was sick 15-20 times a day.  Sometimes less, sometimes more.  Medications never helped at all.  Old Wives Tales Remedies were laughable.  There was absolutely no relief. 

I suffered from a placental abruption around week 16 of my pregnancy, threatening the life of my unborn son.  I was forced to quit my job earlier than I expected, and was put on bedrest immediately.  I spent the next 14 weeks, unable to do anything more than take a quick shower each day.  Around week 30 I was allowed to start doing a little more each week, but I was getting so big and uncomfortable, alot of activity wasn't even possible.

I went into labor naturally, but wound up being in labor for 45 hours.  2 minute apart contractions, back labor, you name it......without any progress.  After 2 days of constant labor and no sleep, my body gave out.  I reluctantly signed the consent for a C-Section. 

As if my experience hadn't been bad enough up to this point, my surgery wasn't easy either.  My son was lodged under my ribs, so the surgery itself was pretty rough.  This made my recovery that much more difficult.

It's safe to say that I was indeed traumatized by my pregnancy, labor and delievery experiences.  The only thing that made it worth it, was seeing my gorgeous baby held up over the divider.  Hearing him cry made me cry.  The very first thing I said to my son was, "Hi Logan, it's Mommy.  I am so happy that you're here..."  Truer words were never spoken.  I was so incredibly relieved to have it over and done with.  As I said, recovery wasn't easy, but I knew that it would get a little easier each day, and it did. 

Now, 13 months after the birth of our son, people are always asking,  "So, are you guys ready to do it again?"  I never really know how to answer this question.  Yes, we want another child.  I can't wait to feel that instant love for my 2nd child.  I can't wait for the first time I can kiss their little head or to count 10 fingers and 10 tiny little toes.  Those moments DO make all the pain and suffering worth it. 

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely terrified.

What IF I have another nightmare pregnancy?  What IF I am that sick again?  What if?  Can I handle all of that again?  Can I go through all of that AND take care of a toddler at the same time? 

Yes.  I can do it and I will, provided God decides to bless us with another baby someday.  All I can do is hope and pray that I don't experience the misery that I did the first time around.   But if by some chance it IS that difficult again...I can guarantee you this:  There will NOT be a third.  Unless of course, science makes it possible for my husband to carry baby #3.  :)

The day my Mom joined Facebook...

...social networking as I knew it, was over.

Now, I was going to be forced to make all of my statuses, posts, links, replies, pictures, etc...PG rated.   How DARE she search for my name on the search engine, click on my 'Add Me' link and just expect me to respond yes?  

Ok.  Obviously, I'm being sarcastic.  Of course I added my Mom.  She is a great woman.  She's always let me be myself, let me cry and complain, be silly and sarcastic, be stubborn, and even be (wait for it....) dramatic.

But, when I saw her pending friend request sitting there in my inbox, I wondered:  Was facebook as I knew it about to change forever?   Yes, in fact it was.  I didn't want my own Mother seeing me post passive-agressive status updates about friends that I was annoyed with.  It's immature.  I definitely wouldn't want her seeing me post anything with a swear word in it.  I respect her too much to ever let her see me post a 'dirty word'.  No longer could I post funny links filled with potty-humor jokes.  So, I sighed and accepted her friend request.  Knowing that with a little click of my mouse, I was being forced into a more mature world of social networking. 

Now, a year or so later, I must thank her.  Thank you Mom, for forcing me to grow up a little and to use facebook for what it's true intent really is......anonymous stalking.  :)

Now I just have to wait for her to join the wonderful world of blogging........... 

Quality VS. Quantity

Something that my little family struggles with is time.  My husband, Mike, has a very demanding job that requires long hours and quite often, sends him out of town for long periods of time.  This means that I often spend my days and nights alone while caring for our son.  This is something that I have been trying to cope with since Logan was born.  Mike and I knew that this was how it was going to be, and we tried our best to mentally prepare ourselves for his life on the road, away from Logan and I....but until you are living it, you can never really know what it will be like.

What I've come to realize is that, while having lots of time together as a family is most definitely important, so is quality time.  We may not get nearly as many days together as alot of families do, but making the most of each moment is key to making this lifestyle work for us.  Trying our best to laugh, play, and relax together is what memories will be made from.  Years from now, I want Logan to look back and remember that even though Daddy had to work alot, he did it to provide a comfortable, stable life for us!   I want him to remember all the times that we did get to spend together, and how wonderful it felt to have happy parents that are secure in their marriage....even when the distance seemed too much to bear. 

I want the time we spend together as a family of 3 to be overflowing with quality moments....and to make memories that will last a lifetime.